Hey everyone, I am never ever on tumblr anymore but I thought I’d make this post because I have something to say that I really want to spread the word about. 

https://www.facebook.com/protestgeico

VISIT, LIKE, SHARE!

I haven’t been on Tumblr lately because tumblr is just uninteresting to me these days. In fact I’m not on my computer much at all anyway. 

I have been eating better. not completely normally, according to my boyfriend and family, but more normally than before. i am not losing weight, but i haven’t gained any either. i’m still in the 78-80 range.

i’ve been doing a lot of modelling jobs, because i can’t keep a real job more than a week (my latest job lasted 2 days), and i need money for drugs.

i’ve got myself a prescription of my drug of choice so hopefully i can start saving some of the money i get. but i hate modelling (it’s way harder than you think - you try thinking of unique, attractive, relevant poses for over an hour straight), i wish there was another way to get money. i could sell my meds and make up to $600 a week… but no, i want my pills lol.

sometimes i get that feeling of “oh god i wanna starve myself again, i want to be how i used to be, i need to have my eating disorder back”… but i usually get over it in a day or two. i have purged a few times lately if i felt really full, but honestly it’s not too big of a deal because i am steadily improving.

in amazing news, I have not cut myself since DECEMBER 31ST! (new years eve)…. that is fucking amazing, and im not trying to brag but seriously you should all be proud of me.

i’ve been hanging out with avery and dane (his bestie, and my bestie now too) every day lately and we’ve been having sleepovers quite a bit too. life is doing pretty good, except for when i’m out of drugs and cant afford to buy some and go through withdrawals, that fucking sucks, but besides that life is pretty okay.

i wish i could keep a job, though. i also want to not fail school this semester. those goals feel unattainable right now though. eventually in this year or next i might even want to return to ballet if i can get my parents to pay for classes. 

i just want money. there are quite a few things (mostly the horrors merch, wigs, disney fairies merch, and doctor who merch) that i really want to purchase. but i just can’t afford it. i only get $75-$100 per hour modelling, and i only model 1 or 2 hours a week cause i am so busy with 3-5 doctor appointments a week (NOT exaggerating: therapy every week, family counseling every week, pain management every week, and usually some other appts like eyes/osteo/etc).

oh also i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. fun, huh? at least i get nice drugs for it. 

i’m rambling now, if anyone wants to ask me anything in particular, drop it in my ask box. i’m bound to answer it within a few days. 

OH and tumblr is taking down all pro ana sites. HELL YEAH!

xxxx

life is good

Not doing so well. I thought I was gaining weight. Just weight for the first time, fully clothed and with a full tummy. 78 lbs. and this is me proactively trying to incorporate fattening foods in my diet.

I ate two WHOLE!!!!! eggs, 2 toasts, oats, oatmeal cookie dough, and a dumpling today. With my portion sizes it barely reached 600 calories. I don’t normally count calories but I did today. I’ve been eating “so much”, I thought it was at LEAST 2000 a day but I guess not.

I’ve been incredibly dizzy so I drank a small cup of juice and then went into panic because I felt stuffed/sick and fat. I feel so stuffed like a Cornish hen.

I’m going to try and eat a dinner if my stuffed feeling goes away. Its not safe to eat yet or else I will likely purge it.

My body is bruised and battered as ever. My parents say I’m looking worse and worse and sicker. I am really trying, so I can’t see how this is happening.

How do people try so hard to lose weight but they can’t? How do people gain weight on accident? I ask myself these questions even though I was that person before. Yet I can’t remember how I could possibly have gained weight on accident!

Alternatively, how do people eat fatty things like fried sausages and gravy fries and big plates of spaghetti bolognese without freaking out? I can’t grasp how that is done.

Failing.

I dreamt that I was about to eat a slice of cheese-less pizza that had orange slices on it, but when I took the first bite it magically changed into a cheese pizza and it was cold and greasy and disgusting. I never want to eat again BARF

I’ve been scouted to model for Suicide Girls and other such sites, personal portfolios, etc. So many of them are asking me to gain weight before they can pay me. Ironic right?

Did you miss me? Sorry I. Didn’t make the video I said I’d make. I’m very busy.

Recovery is okay I guess. I’m facing a LOT of fears such as peanut butter, pasta, rice and cheese! But obviously its not enough cause I’m still only 78 to 79 lbs. I HUNG OUT WITH A GIRL FRIEND!!! can u fucking believe it? Yeah. I went with her to her recovery ED nutrition appointment thing and might go on a regular basis once I sort out my insurance.

I’ve been really busy lately doing/buying/selling a lot of drugs, having a lot of sex (yeah. I’m sexually active again) with Avery of course, I posed for a ‘tasteful’ nude photoshoot for $100 the other day, Yikes. I’m kinda Behring on my internet classes and I’m on academic probation but oh well. I just want money.

Any questions just ask me. And TAMMIE if you are reading this I got your card and I will write back soon!

Hope you all are doing fine and I promise eating really isn’t as bad as you think once you get used to it! Its very okay! I promise!

If anyone wants to email me, I’m thehorrorgirl@Gmail.com

I don’t know when ill post next but I will try to post more! See ya x

I’m going to be making a video sometime this week. I’m very busy today but I am doing a quick update to say what I’ve eaten….

• Lara bar (fruit and nut raw superfood bar)
• 2 toasts with peanut butter and honey
• small 1/4 cup piece of lasagna
• medium sized bowl of peanut butter crunch cereal with almond milk

i just ate a bowl of pasta and my heart is teetering over whether i feel proud or  whether i feel terrified

just came home from my first family therapy session with dr. allman. when i first got there i had a bad feeling because he had his DOG in the office. i found that to be a bit disturbing and unprofessional, but apparently it’s a part of therapy or something.

here are some things i discovered about myself:

• i have an identity crisis, i’m stuck between wanting to be a 12 year old kid and a 25 year old adult, i need to find balance and grow into an “adult”
• i’m more like ‘friends’ or sisters with my mum than mother/daughter
• i try to take care of every person and every thing
• i apologize for things that arent my fault
• i’m trying to be a child and anorexia is a subconscious way to make me look like a child and be dependant like a child
• etc

unfortunately when we got home my dad started guilt-tripping me on making him have to leave work early to go to the appointment. okay.